“When faith in myself was so strong that I believed I could move mountains.”
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| A card given to me before leaving for France. |
As I look in the mirror, I can see my days of youthful optimism dwindling. The lines in my forehead have become deeper. My eyes don’t have quite the same shine. My hair is thinning. Not only can I see the physical signs of my aging, but I can feel it as well. Just months ago, I felt I could conquer the world. I truly believed I had hundreds of possibilities for my future and it was simply a choice of deciding which I wanted to do next. But now that I’m here in France, living out one of my many dreams, I don’t have quite the same excitement as before. It’s sad to find the day when you realize that it’s not that you can’t do it all, but maybe you just don’t want to. What hurts me the most in saying this is the fact that I truly do believe in myself. I know full heartedly that I will succeed at whatever I set my mind to and be great. But it seems as though I’ve lost my passion. For traveling. For living in new places. For meeting new people.
Perhaps I’m looking at it in all the wrong light. Maybe I haven’t lost my passion for experiencing the unknown, but instead, come to appreciate the known. This summer I was able to develop deeper friendships with the people around me. I was able to see the beauty of the countryside of North Dakota as I would run down the gravel roads. I could look forward to meeting my mom for lunch. I knew that Sunday afternoons would be spent with Grandma. But now here I am, alone in a small French village. I’m craving the relationships I left behind.
It’s hard to accept that this is okay. To allow myself to want to settle down and have stability. It just makes me sound so… old. Students continually ask me what my plans are for the future. And I give them my honest answer. “I don’t know.” At twenty-two, I still have the world ahead of me. But perhaps at the end of these seven months, I’ll want that world to be filled with things I know and love.
You're not alone in having these feelings! People of all ages have doubts and different felings about the aging process, good and bad! I feel the same way sometimes, but just keep in mind some older folks who act as though they still have all the time in the world, that's what I do. We are young, and have time to do whatever we dream of. Even though right now France might not be exacatly what you hoped, you're still doing it, and you're going to gain a lot from it! Appreciating "the known" isn't all bad. Everyone you love will be waiting for you with open arms when you come home. Love you!
ReplyDeleteSounds like you're just feeling homesick and perhaps experiencing a little bit of a culture shock, which is quite common.
ReplyDeleteHaving somewhere to go that feels like home is a wonderful thing, but longing to go back there all the while you are away and then planning your next escape as soon as your feet hit hit the safety of the familiar makes for a roller coaster of a life. Welcome to the world of wanderlust :)
ReplyDeleteI think a large part of youth is our exuberance...The passion you've known for these adventures has been unweathered by those who would never dare them themselves. Bre, most people don't get far enough into accomplishing their dreams and goals to witness the shades of grey and complexity that await them. This is just a new part of the adventure, and it seems perfectly acceptable - normal even - that, as you live out these adventures, you begin to recognize new appreciations for the time you've spent that maybe you haven't considered an adventure. I don't know. It seems to me that deepening relationships is a helluva adventure. Perhaps the best part of following these passions is realizing that you don't have to choose between the adventures abroad and those at home. You can still travel and plan on meeting your Mom for lunch when geography allows. Anyways, this whole thing makes me think of one of my absolute favorite quotes. Love you, Bre.
ReplyDeleteBe patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves like
locked rooms and like books that are written in
a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers,
which cannot be given you because you would not be able
to live them. And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.